The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
