i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
