you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
