This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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