I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize