These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
