If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
