Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
