Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We have started to decorate penises.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
