sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This baby is an asshole
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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