somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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