we're chasing vodka with high fives
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
