It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
