I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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