you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
