8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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