Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
