I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
