is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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