OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
can u get pink eye on your cock?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize