last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
