The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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