I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
