the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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