you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
