What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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