the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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