You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
