i think my mom watched the whole time
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
