She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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