I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
