Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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