I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
