I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
