I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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