Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
