the condom got lost in my hair
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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