remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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