You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
