I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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