look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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