I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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