Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
