I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
