I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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