Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
