guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
