Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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