My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
