hotel room ftw
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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