I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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