Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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