you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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