My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
